Returning

The song is called "Stella and Me" by If Thousands. Video is random super8 clips taken off the web.

This is about when things don't look like you remembered them.

Wholly Matrimony

Of course I wanted the ceremony to be beautiful, honey. There is nothing I wanted more than a gorgeous and meaningful wedding with you, me, and everyone we love. But I also wanted it to be fun! Doesn't that make sense? I've been to enough weddings to know that by the time the bride and groom kiss, no one is even listening anymore. Just checking their watches and eye-ing the open bar. All I have to say is: you might be mad at me know but years down the line you'll appreciate that I paid of the priest to say "Til death do you fart".
God, its still cracking me up!

This post was sponsored by Purina

The puppy stared up at me with those big puppy dog eyes as if to say,

"Hey, please feed me you stupid son of a bitch. Every night you fall asleep watching TV on the couch, and I end up licking condensation off the bottom of the fridge"

Sooooo adorable!!! I was going to get up to feed him, but COPS was on.

(Lamp) Post

The lamppost was planted in the ground like a skinny man dressed all in black. Everyday on my way home from work I'd sit and talk to it. I tried to fatten him up by tying my lunch left overs to the post. Eventually I grew tired of these visits and his unceasing silence, and we slowly drifted apart. But I'll always know that somewhere in the world there's a lamppost wrapped in old baloney and veal cutlet.

P.S. This should count as charity because its kind of like a food donation. Once the baloney is out there its fair game for anybody.

Alarms

Today I woke up with the sun.
this is rare

My shirt had come off during the night
and I’d lost my ambition between the dark blue
couch cushions

Everything was still
like watching someone trip on cement
forever
never crashing

Forgetting my dreams,
I saw the windows smile at me
smudged with fingerprints
and chocolate cake

Maybe today is the apocalypse.
One of the cartoon countries,
known only by clichés and caricatures
will finally bomb us back
trees uprooted and soaring
animals quivering in alleys
dark clouds holding ammunition

Maybe the pestilence will creep beneath
our face masks
and put its fingers down our throats
so much we aren’t immune to
so many strains of impurity
vaccinations are for doctors
but the bumblebees will die out.

Perhaps the vacuum of space
will flip itself inside out
like a morning sock
or an evening sweater
torn up by a molten rock
caught up in debris
walking pedestrian in the middle of a highway

If just half the population dies
there will still be more people than I could ever
learn the names of .

I waited

No explosions in the distance
no striped or spotted creatures in the backyard
just me, half naked on the couch in the honors house
study lounge, hiding out from allergic reaction

I let myself sleep for five more minutes.

All around the world people were hitting snooze
like a game show quiz buzzer
Our answer!
delay

Sherlock McGlock

It was a dark and stormy night. The kind of night that left you wondering if anyone was going to come out of this thing alive.
A bolt of lightning flashed outside the window, as I paced back and forth in front of the alter. The priest shifted nervously in his seat, while the widow, the maid, the doctor and the mechanic exchanged confused glances in the front pew.

"It has come to my attention that the murderer might be in this very room," I said, in a voice that real knowing, as if I were an art professor or a museum curator who always wanted to be an art professor but just didn't have to guts to leave the museum.

"Uh excuse me, put would you please sit down?" snarled the priest, as if he had something to hide. "You're standing in front of the casket, and no one can pay their respects."

I was beginning to think that the priest was behind this whole thing. He had just given a speech about the victim. I think he knows too much.

Things I'd Do for Vanilla Softserve

1. Walk 2 miles, through windy conditions
2. Kiss a lady clown (Denise) who is wearing really ridiculous rainbow suspenders
3. Go to an ice cream factory and fuck shit up
4. Listen to an old person's story and pretend to be interested
5. Perform a rap song for my family at Thanksgiving about the historical inaccuracies of the holiday, while they all eat vanilla ice-cream in front of me (rough).
6. Join a fraternity under the pretense that I was a lady, and learn something about myself in the process
7. Take Denise out on a second date and chat about our lives.
8. Get a thousand paper cuts
9. Fill out a survey with a bunch of weird sexual questions about the role soft serve served in my childhood.
10. Repent
11. Bring Denise home for Thanksgiving and rap to my family about our relationship, while Denise eats vanilla ice cream (brutal).
12. Put my foot in my mouth (metaphorically)
13. Put my foot in my mouth (literally)
14. Explain to Denise that our whole relationship ship is based on a snack. She'll be devastated at first, then see the humor in it.
15. Develop lactose intoleration.